DOH!!

At my office, we have an initiative program called "Above & Beyond." We are given two cards each quarter, and can nominate people we think have exceeded job expectations - or, have gone "above & beyond" in their job. All these nominees' names are tossed in a bowl, and at a quarterly staff meeting, three or four names are drawn and given a $100 cash prize. (Actually, they just add $100 to their next paycheck.) Pretty cool, eh? Then, once a year, the nominees are tossed into a bowl and there is a drawing for even bigger cash prizes - first place being $1500, second being $1000, and third being $500. NICE. We're actually having one of those big drawings on July 21st.
So, we had one one of the quarterly drawings at a staff meeting yesterday. When people's names are read, it's customary (or habit?) to clap for them, as a congratulations. Well, when one name was drawn, there was a horrible and awkward pause (except for one secretary who got really excited that this particular person was chosen, because she is friends with him), before a few people started clapping. It was just awkward! There are several people in the office that have (or have had, in the past) big problems with this person, myself included. But he really tries hard, and apparently goes "above & beyond" for some people because he was nominated for this program.
After the meeting, I had one of those moments you wish you could rewind and do-over. The irony of this is that just before this happened, I read this quote in an e-mail:

"The most destructive force in the universe is gossip."

I was standing at a friend's desk chatting about the winners, and started talking about the awkward pause. "Man, did you notice when his name was drawn? Awkward pause! Wow! That's gonna leave a mark." I forget what else I said, or if she said anything back... I must have blocked it out, because minutes later, my friend told me that while I was talking about this person, he was actually in the next room - and most likely heard what I said. I had no idea he was that close by. OUCH. Now THAT was awkward. I didn't know what to do after that... because I don't know for SURE that he actually heard the whole thing, just that he was close by. So what do I do? Go apologize for my behavior? But what if he hadn't heard all of what I said? Um, that would be awkward too! "Yeah, sorry about what I said..." "Why, what'd you say?" And if he DID hear, how do I approach that?
*SIGH*
I was miserable last night, because I realized that it was MY character that was in jeopardy because of my gossipping, not this person that so many people have a problem with. And I also realized that others know my character and my tendency to gossip - people come to me either with office gossip or to hear office gossip. I usually try really hard to stay neutral, but this place can be a hotbed for rumors. It's tough! But that's no excuse. We are ALL children of God - and I would do well to focus more on unconditional love for my fellow men (and women) and be kind.
I hope I don't win anything in the big drawing. I SO do not deserve it.
(I only have one entry so far this year anyway... someone in the mail room nominated me, thanking me for the laughs they get for all the pranks they pull on me.)